Raising a Loving Family

Our triggers become the map to our own self-work.

Believing that the way our children turn out is min hashamayim can give us great strength. With this perspective in mind, we can avoid disappointment, anger, and judgment. We’ll no longer be shocked by our children’s choices, especially as they age. Instead, we’ll step up, ready to help them navigate their lives with complete warmth, love, and understanding.

It’s through the process of our children testing our limits, and our consistent firm and loving responses, that children learn the rules of life.

Children aren’t nachas machines.

So how do we ascertain the “al pi darko” of each child? We do this by truly looking at them. By paying attention to their behavior. They’ll show us their “derech” by what they’re doing. ... We must work to truly see our children and reflect back to them their uniqueness,

If a child comes home from school and tells you they got in trouble, or complains bitterly about something, the first thing we do is to give them our full attention and let them get it out. Allow them to express it all and don’t say a word—nothing! Just hold them and comfort them. If you’ve done this step properly and then ask them if they want to tell you more, nine times out of ten they’ll say, “No, I’m fine,” and go on their merry way. They just needed to be heard and soothed and know that you’re there for them. They needed someone to tune in to their pain.

If, after I’ve told my children no and they push back against it, I actually tell them, “I’m really sorry, but if you choose to drive me crazy over it, it’ll still be no,” and they say “What do you mean?” then I can say, “Well, if we discuss your request calmly, I might change my mind. But if you get nasty or throw a tantrum, it’ll be no for sure.” Let’s say that they ask us for something and our initial reaction is to say no. Then we talk about it a little more, and during the ensuing conversation the child provides a good reason for what they want. We can now say, “You know, that makes sense to me too, I think I could work with that.” But if we simply allow them to wear us out, nagging and nagging, and then we give in to the nagging, we’re doing them a great disservice in the long run.

The concept of Choice Theory, which we mentioned earlier, is indeed a very Jewish one. Essentially, whenever possible we offer our child the choice not to comply, give reasonable reward for compliance, and offer clear fair consequences for noncompliance. We then shift the choice and its consequences to them.

Our thought process can be something like this: I hope you’re right about your choices, but if you’re wrong, you’ll learn from it. I’d rather you learn from experience than just do what I say. So yes, I’ll tell you what I think, but it’s for you to decide.

Don’t wait until there’s a crisis over getting the child to go to shul or stay at the Shabbos or Yom Tov table. Instead, discuss issues in advance and set realistic expectations. We can say, “I really enjoy your company. Is there anything I could do to make it easier for you to be here?” Our priority should be about how to make it a more meaningful experience for them.

Mitzvah observance should never be a cause to humiliate, punish, scold, or otherwise torment children

disagreements between spouses are a perfect learning experience for our children. We can model for them how two people treat each other with love and respect even when they disagree

Angry tirades, withdrawal of love, the silent treatment, or yelling at them for sleeping in and missing minyan only push them further away from Yiddishkeit. Some parents protest, “But he’s got to know!” And I ask, “What’s he got to know—that your love is conditional on his measuring up to your image of a perfect child? That he risks your rejection if he doesn’t conform?” Working on attachment is key to any positive change

I once implemented a similar system for students who were distracted in class and having a hard day. The teacher would have available a deck of yellow, orange, and red cards. If a child was fidgeting and disturbing kids next to him, the teacher would discreetly drop a yellow card on his desk. It read: “I see you’re having a hard day. Just know that I care.” Most children will settle down after receiving this. If the behavior recurs, then the teacher drops an orange card that reads, “I see you’re having a really hard day. Let’s talk at recess.” If that still doesn’t help, the teacher drops a red card which reads, “I see you’re having a really, really hard day. Take this card to the principal and he’ll give you a danish and a drink. And let’s chat after class.” The goal is for the child to understand that we’re on their side. If a child ended up by the principal, he now saw the principal as being on his side too, there to help him and not just to punish him into compliance

Be objective and clear. “Constantly disruptive” doesn’t say in what way the child is disruptive and how often. Describe, don’t interpret.

In the Haftorah of Shabbos Chazon we find the possuk “Bonim gidalti v’romamti, v’heim posh’u bi.” The navi says in Hashem’s name, “I’ve brought up these children, and they have rebelled against Me!” (Yeshayahu 1:2). The Nesivos Shalom suggests that the nechama is found in that Hashem still calls the Yidden “My children,” even though they rebelled against Him.

As many Gedolei Yisroel have confirmed to me, when regular chinuch causes rebellion, we’re exempt from attempting to impose it, and we shouldn’t feel badly about it. Remember, the whole purpose of rules, structure, and discipline is to raise a healthy child. The moment we see that it does the opposite and makes things worse, we need to recalibrate our approach and reset our expectations.

I once went to Rav Aron Leib Shteinman, ztz”l, concerning a 16-year-old boy who was battling substance abuse. He‘d found a girlfriend who also came from a frum home. She was struggling as much as he was. His parents were very upset and wanted to force him to break off his relationship with the girl, but were unsure if that’s what they should do. The Rav told me to explain to the parents that when their son is with his girlfriend, he feels deeply loved. Thus, their job was to ensure that he feels even more loved when he’s with them. I asked the Rav if I could repeat this advice in public. He took my hand and told me, “It’s a mitzvah to say it over in public!”

One of my struggling daughters once asked me, “Tatty, do you still daven for me?” I told her of course I do. She then asked me, “Well, what do you daven for?” And I said to her, “Sweetheart, I daven for you exactly the same way as I do for all my children. As you know, I believe that we all come into this world for a specific purpose and to achieve a tikkun for our neshama. I therefore ask Hashem that while each of you go about leading your lives, He should help you achieve your purpose on this earth. And I ask Him to give me the strength, wisdom, and patience to help each of you lovingly achieve the purpose you are here for.”